she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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