You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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