im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
