...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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