What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
