Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
