Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
