I didn't shave. On purpose
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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