I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
