Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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