There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
