A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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