Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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