Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
