I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
