I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
