I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
