That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
