I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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