I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
