I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
