Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
