Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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