Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
