I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
