Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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