I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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