I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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