I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you would pick up someone in the library
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
