My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize