It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
