Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
