my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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