I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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