just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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