Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
and she was petting her beer can
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
