so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
In other news, I just burned my penis
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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