yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
