Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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