Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
