Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
