Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
