It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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