Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
