can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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