I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
