i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
