And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
