I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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