So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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