you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
