She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
