i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Randomize
