I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So squirting runs in the family.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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