Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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