My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
