I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
