elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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