If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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