I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
