you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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