I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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