No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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