Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Randomize
